Pat Taub
We have core stories we tell ourselves that trap us in a negative narrative: “If I speak up, my feelings might be hurt; I’m too shy to make new friends; I’m too old to take on a new project.”
Esther Perel, the popular relationship therapist, contends the stories we tell ourselves are adaptive responses to childhood trauma, when we created stories to mask our wounds.
Esther Perel delivering a talk
I grew up with a caring, but depressed mother, who didn’t have time for me. As a result, I became independent, behaving like I didn’t need anyone.
While I developed close friendships and experienced meaningful love relationships, I rarely revealed deep feelings, finding it difficult to be vulnerable. I was afraid of being hurt, rejected, the way my mother unwittingly rejected me.
My mother, overwhelmed by childcare, surrounded by my brothers and me: I’m on the far right, age 5.
In the process of writing a mother-daughter memoir, a light bulb went off: my mother was too wounded to comfort me. Her childhood trauma made it difficult for her to show affection. This insight enabled me to shed my mother blame, to create a new story, where I learned to trust my feelings, less afraid to be vulnerable.
I know women who lack self-confidence, operating from stories where they believe they’re not good enough to brave a new project or new relationship. After tracing their self-doubts to childhood trauma, liberated from old stories, they can develop stories of competency.
Contemplating a new story
Coming up with a new story doesn’t happen overnight.
Sometimes it emerges from therapy, or from practices that allow a new story to unfold. Regular meditation with an emphasis on being in the present can silence the internal critic obsessed with the past. Journaling promotes clarity, deepening an understanding of how negative beliefs originated.
Meditation can lead to new insights foe creating a new story
Many older women hold stories influenced by our ageist culture where they feel unattractive or not valued for their beliefs. Never underestimate the power of community healing: new stories of self-worth often emerge from sharing stories with friends, struggling with similar ageist scenarios.
Women sharing stories to combat ageism
Sometimes it’s hard to recognize you’re trapped in a story. If an encounter leaves you anxious or depressed, there’s a good chance it can be traced to a negative story you’re holding.
I had a friend I was spending a lot of time with who ghosted me. I went into a tailspin, asking myself over and over where I went wrong.
Ester Perel reminds us “while we’re not in control of how life unfolds, we do have agency over how we structure and interpret it. Creating new stories can liberate us from defeating narratives.”
When I crafted a new story where I assured myself, I had been a good friend and would have to live with uncertainty, I was able to move on.
Writing a new story to transform past hurts
