Pat Taub
GUEST POST by MICHAEL STEINMAN
That you are reading this surely means you don’t need it. But I ask your indulgence.
When interacting with children we often try to teach civility, by prompting, “What’s the magic word?” True, it’s uncomfortably close to puppy-training, but we who pride ourselves on our own courtesies get desperate to hear those words from others. And what follows is meant for adults, women as well as men.
Google “how to apologize to someone” and you will find a clear step-by-step process. We need the same formula for expressions of gratitude. Here’s one highly personal offering.
BE PROMPT:
An effective expression of gratitude is just like your finest omelet. Lovely when hot, ready for the pail an hour later. One exception: “I’ve been thinking a lot about your kindness to me last Thursday,” (followed by details) is always appreciated.
BE SPECIFIC AND DETAILED:
I sent (admittedly belated) postcards from a trip to a friend who I know likes to receive them, and the response was “Got your cards.” I won’t tell you what my unspoken response was, but coincidentally it was also three words of a different kind. We could exhaust ourselves writing scripts for others, but “What a treat to get your cards! I especially liked the one with the chiles,” would have meant I did not feel compelled to write this.
MATCH THE EXPRESSION OF GRATITUDE TO THE OFFERING:
You ask your friend to join you for a day at the seashore, you drive them to and fro. Even though you were going there yourself, that series of acts merits more than a texted emoji heart Several regularly spaced genuine verbal offerings would make the giver happy, perhaps, “It is really sweet of you to include me in your day at the beach!” is one opening gambit. And sincerity (as opposed to formulaic gush) counts.
DON’T OVERLOOK OLD-FASHIONED GESTURES:
A handwritten thank-you note might seem laborious and slow, but it makes an emotionally powerful thank-you.
My wife loves to knit, and she created, row by row, a periwinkle blanket for the neighbors’ first daughter. She gave them the package and ten minutes later the husband sent us a photograph of Amelia, asleep under the new gift. THAT is how to do it!
My niece came to visit and a day later included us in her Facebook post about the beautiful events of the past week. I didn’t mind the publicity at all.
In a past life, someone whom I kept company with accused me, for her own reasons, of “giving to get.” She was right. I go out of my way for the people I hold dear (and strangers, too, when circumstances are right) because the gratitude I get back makes me feel surrounded by palpable love.
