Pat Taub
As the holidays wind down, many of us have either returned home from visiting family, said our goodbyes to relatives we hosted, or are still in the midst of a family visit. Perhaps you’ve had to restrain yourself from challenging a hypochondriac aunt, a brother-in-law who slugs the eggnog and then become obnoxious or the boorish cousin who taunts you into political arguments. Other times you lose it and get into heated exchanges.
Holiday friction can lead to too much drink
If you’re like me, once the visit is over you breathe a sigh of relief while promising yourself to be better behaved in future visits, but the next holiday finds you repeating your old patterns, reminiscent of “Groundhog Day.”
Flying back home from my Chicago Christmas family visit, while it was fresh in my mind, I thought about how I could make future visits more harmonious.
Family arguments can ruin holiday gatherings
To get along with a demanding relative who talks your ear off, try to put yourself in his or her shoes and imagine how their circumstances have affected them. Maybe they recently lost a loved one, have health problems, feel lonely or simply need to be affirmed. Understanding their circumstances can lead to compassion for them where they don’t push your buttons.
Compassionate listening can help smooth over differences
In the midst of family craziness there are often tender moments. Try to hold onto those to allow your positive memories to eclipse the negative ones.
This year my Chicago visit included a live staging of Hans Christian Anderson’s “The Steadfast Tin Soldier.” The joyful feelings ushered in by this delightful production kept everyone in good spirits through the remaining evening.
Look for the unexpected to enhance your mood.
When helping my son shop for his wife, we ran into a woman with two pug dogs outfitted in holiday sweaters. In conversation with the owner she introduced me to her dogs as “Edith and Elmer,” explaining that Edith was named after Edith Piaf, one of my all time favorite chanteuses. The good fun I enjoyed with the dog owner stayed with me for the afternoon.
Edith and Elmer, two pugs that lifted my holiday spirits
When attending large family parties instead of hanging around the spiked punch bowl to get through the evening, think of the gathering as a chance to learn something new. This year I was pleasantly surprised to find an elderly relative in possession of her grandmother’s wedding scrapbook from the 1920’s. I was charmed by the old photos and the historical references where the “little bride” was worshiped for her cooking and looking after hubby.
Compliment others whenever possible, helping to up the positives in the room. Even the most obnoxious relative has redeeming qualities. If you can’t think of anything positive to say, reframe a persistent political gripe, with something like, “I admire your desire for a better world.”
A hug can soothe differences
Give a lot of hugs. Hugs are found to be restorative. Behavioral Scientists claim a 20 second hug can turn a relationship around—maybe not permanently but the effects can last for several hours.
Add humor whenever possible. My family likes to exchange silly gifts, like fake candy or wacky games. We place party poppers at everyone’s Christmas breakfast place setting. It puts a smile on our faces to look across at one another in ill-fitting paper crowns as we take turns reading aloud the corny riddles in our poppers.
A family with a humorous take on Christmas
Finally be grateful for what you have by embracing a perspective that allows for gratitude. Whenever I become too self-involved I’m reminded of the poverty-stricken migrant families at our border, who risked life and limb in search of a better future for their children.
