Pat Taub
Over a recent Sunday brunch with two single women friends both, like me, in their ‘70’s, the conversation turned to sex, but not in the same way it did when we were decades younger, sharing juicy tidbits about our sex lives. This time the conversation centered on how sex had lost its appeal.
One friend, B confessed to having lost interest in sex, finding the whole male-female pursuit exhausting. The other friend, S was quick to agree, saying that her life was more peaceful without chasing sex or a relationship.
A single woman enjoying a peaceful solo existence
I used to think women who had sworn off sex were angry with men or had been burned by their relationships, but my friends dispelled this perspective.
Both B and S have been married and had a string of lovers, enjoying robust sex lives. Today they are confident, secure and happy in their celibate lives, while enjoying the social company of men.
I listened carefully as B and S willingly elaborated on their 70’s selves without sex. B explained that the energy she formerly invested in pursuing a relationship or to please a man was now available for her iPhone photography. She is full of new dreams for expressing her artistry.
S mused, “After so many years of taking care of others, my life now is for me. I love living alone and the freedom to come and go as I please.”
The more I listened to my friends the more I started to think they were taking a radical position. Women have been conditioned to find status through a relationship with a man. When a woman thoughtfully rejects this lifestyle for a solo existence, she is bucking social traditions.
S luxuriates in the freedom to do as she pleases
B and S said they’d be open to a meaningful sexual union if it presented itself, but they no longer put their energies into trying to attract a man. Because they’re both sensual women I asked them if they missed sex. S laughed and responded, “I still have sex but it’s with myself.” B smiled in agreement.
After our brunch ended and I was back home I found myself thinking about older women who lead full lives without sex. I goggled, “older women living contently without sex.” Virtually every link directed me to sites focused on helping older women discover ways to enjoy sex or to ads offering sex toys to enhance the older woman’s libido. The Internet was conspiring against my friends’ lifestyle.
Agnes Varda, who was single for the latter part of her life, created critically acclaimed films, which reflected her joie de vivre. She died in 2019.
I recognize that many older women enjoy fulfilling partnerships and/or meaningful sexual relationships, but why should this model be the only one that serves the older woman?
Can’t we affirm the courage and strength of the woman who lives alone and no longer finds pursuing a sexual partner the best choice for her? Can’t we stop making the single older woman feel inadequate if she’s without a partner?
Many younger women I know make a campaign out of finding a partner, feeling like failures if they’re not in a relationship. We’re not doing them any favors if we perpetuate this model without showing them an alternative: the content woman living alone with meaningful pursuits, good friends, a cat and a trusty vibrator.
