Motherhood Revisited

GUEST POST by LISA SAVAGE

Yesterday I read a  novel that took me back to the fierce experience of becoming a mother under late-stage capitalism. Claire Kilroy perfectly captures the despair and precarious state of infant mothers where there is no mothering for them. The protagonist of SOLDIER SAILOR is at the end of her rope and very nearly falls into the abyss, tormented by sleep deprivation and a baby round the clock “screaming in her face” and scrambling her brain.

This story gripped me because I was that mom many decades ago. I survived and so did the children but it was touch and go for a while there, and I didn’t even suffer from post-partum depression like the mom in the book. Just unsupported motherhood, alone with a baby and toddler for hours and days on end.

The author as a young mother when she lived in Japan

Why do I now voluntarily take on the exhausting demands of childcare for my grandchildren when their parents are away? Reading Kilroy’s book made me wonder. Bathroom accidents, running out in front of cars, meltdowns, and losing a new jacket at the baseball game —  all in one week. Why do I enter the chaos willingly after having survived my own parenting years?

The author with one of her six grandchildren

The main reason is that I genuinely enjoy spending time with kids. Morning time where you’re one on one with a well-rested child is exceptionally sweet, and not just because of the pancakes with maple syrup.

I find it entertaining and fascinating seeing them play, think, create and learn. They crack me up every single day, an experience that kept me in teaching for years. Also, I know that the newborns will only know I love them when I actively care for them. Seeing is believing.

Another motivation is that I feel for the young parents, my own kids, all with full time jobs, running as fast as they can to not quite keep up. Retirement means my time is my own and the flexibility to go where I’m needed is one of the perks of this stage of life.

The author camping out with two more of her grandchildren

I’ve observed other cultures and seen how their extended family nurturance networks  support newborns and their parents. There’s a reason why a baby born with living grandmothers has a better chance of survival. And spreading the joy of babyhood around among aunties, uncles, and cousins builds connections. This, I believe, is how humans are meant to live. Isolated nuclear families, patriarchy, and wage slavery are not.

Grandmothers play a central role in child rearing in Native American families

Ultimately, in terms of my own motivations, I suspect there’s an element of facing the darkest times of my own life that is appealing. “So much of parenting is what you can get away with,” Kilroy writes.

Being able to reprocess some of the trauma of failing my children even while trying my utmost is useful to me. Reflecting on how I experienced parenthood comes up naturally when I see my children and their partners do it. They do it differently, with (some) involved fathers and the village they build to carpool and babysit and nanny share, but it’s still the same daunting job that kicked my ass.

I suppose revisiting critical points in my life and reflecting on them from a different perspective is part of what getting old is all about. Some things I had to learn the hard way: taking care of youngsters is labor intensive and easily veers into chaos, but it’s worth it.

Lisa Savage is a retired teacher, who continues post-retirement, to engage in organizing around pushing back on genocide and militarism. She blogs at: went2thebridge.substack.com