Pat Taub
The most loving Christmases in my adult life occurred in unusual circumstances.
There was the Christmas I spent in Key West with my two college-aged sons. That year I longed for a holiday where my sons weren’t stressed from being shuttled between my home and their father’s. Knowing my mother’s condo sat empty during the holidays, I received her permission to use it and my ex agreed. I think he was happy at the prospect of a holiday alone with his new girlfriend.
Key West
With wrapped presents tucked into my suitcase and my oldest son balancing a large tray of Christmas cookies made by a generous Italian neighbor, we boarded the plane from snowy Syracuse.
Once in Key West we bolted for the K Mart in search of Christmas décor to lend a festive touch to Mother’s condo. We came away with a marked-down artificial tree, tinsel garlands, and a string of lights. Christmas dinner was another improvised event. Food was spare in the local grocery store. I was reduced to an anemic chicken, and picked-over produce, while the Cuban dessert, Dulce de Leche, was an unexpected treat.
The delicious Cuban custard, Dulce de Leche
Our humble Christmas, devoid of time-consuming preparations, left lots of room for unhurried conversations. On the beach Christmas morning, my oldest son looked at me affectionately, declaring that I should “stop feeling guilty about the divorce.” His brother nodded in agreement. What an unexpected gift!
My second most memorable Christmas occurred in 2020. My two brothers, their families, myself and my two sons, traveled to Harrisburg, Pa. to spend the holiday with our terminally ill widowed mother. We all sensed it could be her last Christmas, and it was.
My mother and I, July, 2000, six months before she died.
I arrived a few days before Christmas to trim a small tree Mother’s apartment manager had purchased for her. In the past I resented Mother’s bossy ways, but softened by tender feelings for her, my annoyance disappeared. l trimmed her tree, hanging ornaments precisely where Mother pointed, and arranged a centerpiece of lilies and evergreens the way she liked.
Christmas morning the whole family gathered. We toasted Mother and showered her with gifts. All this attention energized her. It was a very loving holiday, as we kept our sadness at bay. That evening, as I was helping Mother undress for bed, she smiled at me, saying, “Thank you for making my Christmas so special.”
A few surefire tips to enhance loving connections in your holiday gatherings:
Engaging With a Needy Relative
Try to put yourself in his or her shoes and imagine how their circumstances have affected them. Maybe they recently lost a loved one, have health problems, feel lonely or simply need to be affirmed. Understanding their circumstances can lead to compassion for them where they don’t push your buttons.
Keep your cool; practice compassion towards the relative who’s driving you crazy
Embrace the Tender Moments
Amid family craziness there are often tender moments. Try to hold onto those to allow your positive memories to eclipse the negative ones. Shopping with my teenage granddaughter at her favorite thrift shop allows us to share the delight in uncovering a vintage treasure. Cooking with my son can be fun when we create recipes and laugh at our inventiveness.
Bestow Compliments
Compliments can up the positives in the room. Even the most obnoxious relative has redeeming qualities. If you can’t think of anything positive to say, reframe a persistent political complaint, saying something like, “I admire your desire for a better world.”
Give Hugs
Hugs are found to be restorative. Behavioral Scientists claim a 20 second hug can turn a relationship around—maybe not permanently but the effects can last awhile.
Add Humor
My family likes to exchange silly gifts, like rubber chocolates or stupid board games. I place party poppers at everyone’s Christmas breakfast place setting. It puts a smile on our faces as we take in one another’s ill-fitting paper crowns, while taking turns reading aloud the corny riddles in our poppers.
A family with a humorous take on Christmas
Practice Gratitude
Be grateful for what you have, like giving thanks for your warm home at a time when many impoverished Americans struggle to pay their heating bills.
At Christmas dinner, initiate a gratitude practice by going around and listing qualities in one another for which you are grateful. Presto, I’m back to where I started, emphasizing loving connections!
HAPPY HOLIDAYS TO ALL MY READERS!
