Pat Taub
Given all the ageism and sexism smacking older women in the face aging can be a dismal state for many women. Mary Pipher to the rescue! In her new book, Women Rowing North, Pipher makes the case for a happy old age. She declares, “Happiness depends on how we deal with what we are given.”
Mary Pipher, author of Women Rowing North
Piper interviews older women from all walks of life who have triumphed over hardships. Her subjects include a successful agency director who quit her job to care for a terminally ill spouse; a woman confined to a wheelchair; a woman whose adult son severed all communication with her; a woman who became a custodial grandparent after her daughter died of a drug overdose. These women refused to allow themselves to be defeated by misfortune. They became resilient. They may not have started out with a positive mindset, but they learned how to develop one.
Among the older women I know who have aged positively.
For Pipher resilience is all about attitude: “Attitude is not everything but it is almost everything . . . . We do not always have control, but we have choices. That is our power. Our choices determine whether we stagnate or grow . . . . Happiness is a choice and a set of skills. We have the freedom to frame our world in ways that allow us to be positive and grateful. Once we make the choice to be happy, we can develop a repertoire of skills to achieve our goals.”
So how do we make choices that bolster our spirits? For Pipher, it’s critical to have a daily gratitude practice, by asking: “What can I look forward to and what am I grateful for?”
Writing a daily gratitude list is a good way to practice gratitude
Gratitude can be easier to cultivate as we age given that we have more time, what Pipher terms “slow time,” to appreciate simple everyday joys. Freed-up from our former busy lives of working and raising kids, we have the time to delight in butterflies dancing in our garden; to give our full attention to a grandchild; to linger over coffee with a dear friend.
One of the perks of aging is having the time to stop and enjoy nature.
Cultivating resilience involves fine-tuning self-awareness with questions like: “Why did I let so-and-so upset me? How can I be better at positive self-talk? How can I resist the message that older women don’t have value?”
Here’s where close friends are essential. Sharing your struggles among friends provides support and valuable feedback. If you’re like me your friends have reminded you of your strengths and lovability along with the often humorously delivered message to “lighten up.”
A circle of friends offers invaluable support towards happy aging
When we feel ageism swooping down on us as we examine our wrinkled, flabby shapes, Pipher consoles us: “Our bodies age but our souls expand.”
Older women enjoying their changing bodies
“Aging brings forth our authentic selves: We can lose our false selves . . . to discover our true selves that lie deep inside us where there is a deep well of strength . . . . We care less what others think of us . . . We can give ourselves permission to spend time with only those people we truly enjoy.”
Death is an all too familiar presence in our lives as we age. While death brings sadness it also offers the opportunity to build strength and to grow. When my ex-husband fell in the ice and drowned I was devastated. We had enjoyed a good relationship in the last ten years of his life. Processing Marvin’s death allowed me to respect the fragility of life and the importance of treating each day as a gift.
The death of loved ones is an all too familiar aspect of aging, but it provides an opportunity for emotional growth
Pipher pushes back against ageism in words to live by: “Old age is not an illness. It is a timeless ascent where we grow toward the light.”
Recent research studies confirm that old age can be a profound growth experience where many older adults report life’s trials have delivered them to the happiest time in their lives. To get there all you have to do is develop resilience—a response within every woman’s grasp.
