Finding Freedom

 GUEST POST BY MARY LOU MACKIN

Twenty-two years ago, I stood before a judge in a courtroom full of strangers trembling and bewildered, to petition for a restraining order from my abusive husband. I was the mother of a one-year old son, and I was terrified for his future more than my own. 

I felt the sudden presence of someone by my side, gently touching my arm, quietly introducing herself as a volunteer court advocate.  That simple gesture which meant everything to me at a time when I was feeling alone and vulnerable inspired a personal mission to find my way to similar work. 

In 2013, I enrolled in a domestic violence advocacy volunteer training course offered by an organization in my community that has become a national model for empowering survivors. Once or twice a month, I spend a half-day in our local court offering support for individuals seeking protection.  It is both gratifying and heart-breaking work. 

I write this blog NOT as an expert in Domestic Violence (There are many professionals in this field far more knowledgeable than me.), but from the perspective of a survivor and a volunteer. If this subject calls to you, I encourage you to learn more.

How to Recognize Domestic Violence and What to Do About It

It’s a safe bet that most readers of this blog know someone who exhibits warning signs of an abusive relationship with a partner.  Common signs include:

• Jealousy, control, possessiveness

• Unexplained isolation from friends and family

• Anxiety around partner’s anger or “walking on eggshells” in their presence

• Excuses for partner’s unusual behavior

• Unexplained injuries or bruising

• Cyber-stalking via phone, email, or text

Domestic abuse takes multiple forms and is an equal-opportunity affliction, impacting a wide spectrum of gender, sexual identity, age, race, religion, and socioeconomic status.  It can be physical, verbal, emotional, financial, or all the above.  The common denominator is power and control.

What can you do to support someone who exhibits these signs?

First, recognize that there is no easy fix. As in a relationship with an addict, accept that you cannot be a savior.  What you can do, is:

1. Acknowledge the situation, express your concern, and encourage them to seek help from professionals like the National Domestic Violence Hotline https://www.thehotline.org. Their local outreach resource page https://www.thehotline.org/get-help/domestic-violence-local-resources connects them to services closer to their community.

2.  Remain non-judgmental. Victims have multiple reasons for remaining in abusive relationships.  Know that victims who try to leave often return, relenting their decision.  Be patient and avoid criticism. Remind them it is not their fault. For advice about starting a conversation: https://www.thehotline.org/support-others/talk-about-abuse.

3.  Encourage connecting with friends, family, and community members to build a circle of support and safety. Many police departments are trained in domestic violence, so they can be a resource, particularly where physical threats or violence are involved.

4,  Suggest they make a safety plan https://www.thehotline.org/plan-for-safety/create-a-safety-plan in the event they need to leave suddenly.

5.  If they are able to leave the relationship, continue to provide support. Know that instead of feeling relieved, they may feel sad and mourn the loss for an extended period.

The ending to my story was a positive one.  I was granted a standard 10-day Restraining Order and my husband was removed from the home.  The first several days were terrifying.  I changed my locks and told as many people as I could, so I had a safety net of support.

I returned to court as required following the 10 days (Sadly, this is where many victims relent and lose their protection).  I pleaded with the judge for a long-term order and received one. A lengthy and bitter divorce process followed.

In the end, I emerged emotionally and financially fragile but stable, thanks to an established career and the support of those around me. I am among the lucky ones. Many are not as fortunate.

Mary Lou Mackin is a former elementary school teacher and educational publishing professional. Recently retired from publishing, Mary Lou is pursuing a freelance editing business as well as a variety of volunteer activities for her local library, food pantry, and a domestic violence organization.  She is also active in her local chapter of Indivisible RISE, dedicated to preserving our democracy.  Mary Lou resides in Amesbury MA and enjoys a vacation home in mid-coast Maine.  She is married, has one son, and one very cute but naughty dog.