Easing into Old Age

My grandmothers and mother lived well into their 80’s, transitioning into old age with only minimal complaints. While they followed healthy diets and exercised moderately, they didn’t obsess over their daily routines, or fret about their extra pounds or wrinkles. They simply didn’t stress about aging.

Granted they lived at a time that predated the highly lucrative anti-aging industry that promotes surgical procedures and cosmetics to take the years off, delivering the message that it’s unacceptable to look one’s age.

In a previous generation women aged without obsessing about growing old

I find it instructive to revisit the era of my grandmothers and mother for models on easing into old age.

Both of my grandmothers dressed up almost every day. My paternal grandmother was rarely without her pearls, or like Queen Elizabeth, her pocketbook. Grandma ate what she wanted, which included ice cream and pretzels before bed each night. Agatha Christie novels were her guilty pleasure.

My maternal grandmother smoked into her 60’s, never gave up her daily three cups of coffee or her weekend martinis.   Nana loved fashion. She was the queen of coordinated wardrobes, not holding back on costume jewelry sets or on ensembles with a matching purse, shoes, and hat. She had a zest for life, enjoying a string of boyfriends after being widowed at 58.

Nana, at age 82, when corsages were still in fashion

My mother had her moments when she lamented her aging body, but they were fleeting.  When she was in her mid-seventies, I took Mother shopping for a fancy dress to wear to a gala. The one I selected was glamorous with cap sleeves. She tried it on and said, “It shows my sagging arms, but who cares, it’s beautiful.”

My mother, Jane Conrad First, celebrating her 80th birthday

I think my grandmothers and mother would be flabbergasted at how aggressively my generation does battle with aging.

Is our preoccupation with living as long as possible a function of the Baby Boomer’s self-involvement? Is it a function of living in a high-tech society, which reduces the body to a well-oiled machine?

Caring for the physical self is important, but when it becomes the main response to aging, it can generate anxiety.  I know women who go crazy when they don’t get in 10,000 steps every day or berate themselves when they indulge in a chocolate croissant.

An older woman feeling anxious because her body is no longer youthful

Alternatively, a practice that focuses on soulful aging reduces anxiety and promises serenity.

A spiritual path is central to soulful aging.   I belong to a progressive intercity church whose caring community has supported me in sorting out my spiritual values. I don’t think a spiritual path has to include attending a church, synagogue, or mosque, but it should prioritize humanitarian values along with a willingness to share our elder wisdom in the interest of making the world a better place.

Tending to the soul can result in a greater acceptance of self with a diminished concern for outward appearances.  Adelaide, a 94 year-old woman I know, described to me how she came to love her lined face by seeing beauty in her changing contours: “I now find the imperfect, like clumps of weeds, more acceptable. My body may be ugly in some ways, but I have never loved it more.”

Adelaide with her best friend Connie, radiant in their dotage

All the wise women and men I know place a high value on their contemplative periods. Reflective time, meditation, and inspirational readings are part of a soulful approach to aging, which can calm our spirits and make it easier to accept death.

Alexandra, 83, stresses the importance of being gentle with herself, while being committed to her ongoing growth. Frequently her meditation focuses on the questions, “What can I pass on?” and “How can I be of service?”

Alexandra Merrill serving with a women’s group in India, c. 2007

In the wonderful anthology, Aging: An Apprenticeship, the writer, Mark Greene describes his joy in aging:

 I can’t say for sure where life will go. What is emerging may work out or not. But I can tell you this. Life seems like a huge adventure now. What was once a struggle to create sense of the world, now feels like a single, long clear note of something peaceful and full of love.

Among the vibrant older women I know who have aged gracefully and joyfully