Pat Taub
When my oldest son became engaged, a luncheon was arranged to introduce me to his finance’s family. The scrutiny I received from my future daughter-in-law’s sisters made me feel like they were from the CIA. I experienced the uncomfortable sensation that I was being sized-up to determine the extent to which I’d be a problematic mother-in-law.
A vintage Blondie cartoon illustrating the pervasive myth of the intrusive mother-in-law
I was about to step into a role that society frequently makes pejorative. Sixteen years later, in my role as a mother-in-law, I’ve developed a close, admiring relationship with my daughter-in-law. Nevertheless, there remains the looming concern that if I don’t watch my step, I’ll turn into a monster-in-law.
Has society created a self-fulfilling prophecy where the mother-in-law is set up to be difficult?
Family therapy literature posits that a triangle exists between the mother-in-law, daughter-in-law and son-in-law where the women are vying for the male’s attention, making the mother-in-law/daughter-in-law conflict practically a fait accompli.
The triangle with the interfering mother-in-law as depicted in the film, “Monster-in-Law”
If women marry with the expectation that their mother-in-law will be trouble, it helps to explain studies, like the one from the British parenting website, Netmums. It found that one in four daughters-in-law despise their mother-in-law, finding her “controlling.” British psychologist Terri Apter reports that 60% of mother-in-law/daughter-in-law bonds are highly strained.
As I searched the web for suggestions on how mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law can get along, virtually all the scenarios were one-sided, offering advice to daughters-in-law for managing “toxic mothers-in-law.” Where’s the mutual responsibility? Why is empathy lacking for mothers-in-laws’?
Typical of the mother-in-law jokes that are predominant in our culture
Growing up I was indoctrinated into the monster-in-law image.
As the only girl in the family I became my mother’s confidant, listening to her endless complaints about my paternal grandmother. I’d hear accounts like, “Your father’s off again to see your grandmother who called saying she’s not well. There’s nothing wrong with her. She’s just looking for attention.”
I came to understand that my grandmother clung to my father, her only child, because my grandfather, a gambler and womanizer, was inattentive towards his wife. My mother acknowledged that my grandfather was a bad character, but that didn’t extend to compassion for her mother-in-law.
A family photo with my mother standing behind my father flanked by his parents. I’m in front next to my two younger brothers.
When I got engaged and my mother met my future mother-in-law for the first time, she offered this verdict, “She’s tough. You’ll have to watch yourself.” There was some truth to this.
My Russian mother-in-law had immigrated to the US as a child with her mother and three other small children, one an infant, who died at Ellis Island. My mother-in-law had to be tough to survive. She became domineering with her family, frequently intimidating them. I wish now I had sat longer with her story in order to overcome my knee-jerk reactivity towards her.
I have friends who enjoy good relationships with their daughters-in-law, but like me, they confess to treading carefully. A key to eradicating the negative mother-in-law image is to try and understand why it persists. I believe it’s a function of the patriarchy, which tends to make women scapegoats for family conflicts. At the same time it’s ageist in its lack of respect for an older woman’s wisdom.
My son and daughter-in-law standing behind myself and their children, my grands, 2017
I’m baffled that the women’s movement hasn’t taken on the unfair treatment of mothers-in-law. Let’s reject this stereotype. Let’s refuse to be cowed as mothers-in-law and stop behaving defensively.
Instead let’s adopt a positive frame of mind, not taking all the blame for friction when it surfaces, but staying focused on creating a mutually loving relationship with our children’s partners. I think it’s a shift whose time has come. Women in families need to support and love one another, now more than ever.
