My Soul-Full Family Holiday

GUEST POST by CAROLE LESKIN

This is how I imagined it.

Once Upon a Time, long, long ago, there was nothing but Darkness. A color so black it has never been seen again. And there was silence. It had been that way forever.

Then suddenly, unexpectedly, millions of tiny lights, brighter than the brightest diamonds appeared. They danced in the darkness. And there was nothing but beauty and joy.

Until once again, suddenly and unexpectedly, the tiny sparks began to descend to Earth. Each one had a specific destination and somehow knew exactly how to get there. Their sole purpose was to bring beauty and joy to every living thing. Each spark was a soul.

I don’t know why or when this vision first became a part of me. I do know that from the time I was a child I knew I had a spark, and that everyone and everything I loved had one too.

Carole, age 3

It had been a long time since I gave much thought to souls in general, or my soul in particular. Until this year.

Since I don’t have any family, I spend many holidays alone. I dread solitary Thanksgivings, Hanukkah and Christmas. On this holiday season evening I made a cup of tea, sat down at my empty dining room table and sadly looked around.

Some of the women in Carole’s family at a cousin’s birthday party, early 1940’s

Suddenly, I did not feel alone!  My Grandmother, Florence Brown, who died when I was 12, was at the table, and she had others with her.

Her companions were her three sisters; Theresa (Aunt Tessie), Regina (Aunt Reggie), and Hermione (Aunt Minnie).

Carole’s great aunts, Tessie, Reggie and Minnie, Atlantic City boardwalk, late 1930’s

They were remarkable women and extremely close, yet totally different.

Tessie was the oldest – the heart of the family, tiny, frail, and soft-spoken.  A teacher of English and French who demanded the best from each student and never let an unkind word or ignorant statement go unchallenged.

Reggie was short and stout.  She walked fast, talked faster, and never let a good joke go untold.  She was an accountant, hard-nosed businesswoman, and a feminist.  Heaven help any man who got in her way!

Minnie was the baby.  A concert pianist, and married to an artist. She desperately wanted me to learn to play, and above all, to appreciate great music.

On this amazing evening I met the souls who had been with me all my life.  Each for different reasons, but always with love for the lonely little girl and the often insecure woman who worked hard to make her way in the world and find her voice and place in it.

Carole’s cozy living room where she communed with her female ancestors.

From Tessie I inherited the love of teaching and language and the refusal to accept hurtful behavior.

From Reggie I inherited a strong business sense, allowing me to succeed in my own business, overcoming obstacles and failures, while maintaining my pride.  My feminist activities are her legacy.

From Minnie, I inherited love of music and art, things that saved me as a child and comfort me to this day. I never learned to play the piano, but I did learn to play the cello, and I believe she was with me and proud whenever I played in the orchestra.

From Florence, I learned how to be lonely.  Her melancholy is mine.  There is sweetness to it, gentleness and strength.  Whatever it was in her life that caused such sadness, she endured.

Four women, dead for so many years, nurturing and protecting me, influencing and encouraging me, as I moved through my life.  Four souls. The spark I always knew I had.  And now, joining me at my dining room table.

I am not alone. I never really was. And I never will be.

Carole Leskin is a retired Director of Global Human Resources. In her second career as a writer and photographer, she has written about her own aging, frequently accompanied by her photos. Carole has been published in Jewish Sacred Aging, Jewish Women of Words, Starts At 60, Navigating Aging ( a Kaiser Health publication) Women’s Older Wisdom, and Time Goes By. Carole’s poems, Father Time and Carole’s Debate were  selected for inclusion in the 2019 anthologies of poetry, New Jersey Bards. Her photos have been featured in Mart R Porter Nature Forum.