Pat Taub
“I hate coming home to an empty house. The silence can be deafening.”
“I can go days without speaking to anyone except the clerk in the grocery store or my mail carrier.”
“I rarely reach out to my friends when I’m feeling lonely because I’m too embarrassed to admit I’m lonely.”
“My adult daughter tells me to stop feeling sorry for myself when I confess to feeling lonely. If only she understood what I’m going through.”
Loneliness can be an all too frequent visitor in the lives of older women.
Health care workers who treat older patients describe loneliness as epidemic among the aging. Recognizing the prevalence of loneliness in the UK, Britain recently appointed its first “Minister for Loneliness.”
A lonely UK woman, representative of the group the new UK Minister of Loneliness serves
There are profound health consequences to loneliness, which, if chronic, can be life-threatening. According to a 2002 study of older adults by Dr. John Cacioppo at the University of Chicago, prolonged loneliness increases stress, raises blood pressure, interferes with restful sleep and promotes unhealthy behavior.
In spite of this growing public awareness, many older women find it difficult to admit to their loneliness. It can carry a stigma, suggesting it’s a character flaw if you’re lonely.
A stigma around loneliness can prevent the lonely woman from reaching out to others
Conventional thinking puts the blame on the lonely individual rather than recognizing real life factors are major contributors. When you lose a partner or close friends to death or serious illnesses, your circle shrinks through no fault of your own. Extended families frequently live miles apart. An older woman’s restricted income may limit her ability to join friends for a meal out, a trip to the theater or weekend travel. Frequently she’ll temper her loneliness by taking refuge online, glued to Facebook and Netflix in faceless exchanges.
Computer addiction is a common outlet for loneliness
Living in an ageist society contributes to the older woman’s difficulty in reaching out. She may silence herself since she’s accustomed to being discounted in our youth-obsessed culture.
Another obstacle is what I call the “Strong Woman Syndrome,” where the independent older woman who functions well is seen as able to weather any storm. The woman regarded as strong and independent may hesitate to reach out when lonely because she’s conditioned to feel like something is wrong with her if she can’t manage her loneliness.
As long as we fake our feelings by hiding our loneliness, the more we’re depriving ourselves of honest connections and the more we stay stuck.
A first step might be to make a pact with a close friend to phone one another when feeling lonely. Breaking your isolation is less scary if you think in terms of taking baby steps. Calling a friend to meet for tea can be a great beginning.
Other coping strategies might include; taking a class at your local senior college or volunteering for a cause that speaks to you, like working for climate justice or helping the unhoused.
If you can’t find a companion for a social activity, work up the courage to go it alone: take a walk in your neighborhood and stop at a local coffee house. If you’re an animal lover, considering getting a cat or dog. Cautionary note: a friend, who craved companionship, bought a parrot that ended up talking nonstop!
Reward yourself every time you stick your neck out to break your social isolation. Buy fresh flowers, dance in your living room, or treat yourself to fancy chocolates. Don’t let your loneliness diminish your capacity for joy, which has been waiting for far too long to rejoin your life.
A celebratory bath is one way to honor yourself when you take a step to move out of your loneliness
