WOW: Women's Older Wisdom

Breaking Free from Expectations

Pat Taub

Guest Post by Emily Capelle

I always heard that as you get older you lose your filter and start saying whatever comes to mind. Or behave in ways you wouldn’t have in the past. Well now that I’m 58, I have noticed it more and more.

Growing up in an “in-between” time like the sixties and seventies, I suspect many young girls, like me, often heard messages of: be polite; don’t argue; keep the peace; don’t be too outspoken. We were encouraged to stifle our emotions while at the same time the external world was in flux and feminism was percolating.

A 1960’s dorm during an era when Feminism was on the rise.

Despite these restrictive messages, more and more women began speaking out and up ─actively exploring new opportunities. I was fortunate to have both a grandmother and mother who were strong role models in their own ways. In the early 1900’s when she was just 15, my grandmother became a teacher in a one room schoolhouse, living on the prairie of Saskatchewan. Later she married and had three children, residing in Wisconsin. During the 1960’s when one of her sons was running for a judgeship she went door-to-door soliciting signatures for his nomination.

The author’s maternal grandmother and grandfather, 1918, with their Model T Ford

During the early years of WW II my mother eloped with my father, traveling to Texas where he was stationed so they could marry before he was deployed. She became a teacher and later taught industrial math (as it was called at the time), at a technical college and with my father, raised four children.

The author’s father and mother, 1944, Camp Hood, Texas

In spite of their accomplishments, courage, and strength, I think both my grandmother and mother struggled with how far they could go to express themselves and pursue their goals. To speak up had limits. Even with Feminist advances, women continue to encounter barriers. There are too many instances in my life for me to pick just one: from expectations to have children; to get married; to have a second child; to continue to be supportive of a spouse who is toxic.

I have encountered pressure to not “feel the way I am feeling”, to be “other than the way I am”. For women to express themselves authentically, honestly, and openly continues to be a challenge. If a woman is too open about her views on politics, marriage, parenthood, religion, professional success, or on her experiences as a woman, she still risks social disapproval.

In spite of Feminist advances many women continue to feel pressure against speaking out.

Since my own divorce and single parenting journey, I have faced numerous ups and downs such as unemployment and being on food stamps. I can’t count the number of times during these challenges, people hinted to me about getting remarried – as if that would be the solution to my problems.

I figure at 58, I still have a number of years to push those boundaries a bit further for young women who may feel constrained by expectations. Lately, and especially in the political arena, we seem to be passing the mantle of outspokenness to the younger generation. With our experience, the older generation of women has a significant and valuable role to play.

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, age 28,the young progressive who recently won a NYC primary and who exemplifies the confidence and outspokenness of the younger generation.

It is liberating to get older. Thanks to hard won experience, I feel that I can now speak my mind more freely. I’m guessing that my mom and grandmother also felt similarly as they grew older, although we never discussed it. When my mom passed away, my brothers and sister and I made a scholarship gift in her name to the technical school where she taught for so many years – honoring her contributions and making it possible for another student to continue their studies.