Pat Taub
“Out of the blue I received an email from my daughter saying she never wants to see me again.”
“My son is frequently verbally abusive. I feel like I’m walking on egg shells around him, bracing myself for the next hurtful comment.”
“My daughter and I always had a very loving connection until she married. Now she makes excuses whenever I ask to visit her.”
Spoken by parents whose adult children are making their lives a living hell by severing contact with them completely, incrementally, or punishing them when they are together. In his book, When Parents Hurt, psychologist Joshua Coleman refers to parental estrangement with adult children as a “silent epidemic.”
A mother’s anguish over her adult daughter’s estrangement
According to Coleman, “This is not a story of adult children cutting off parents who made egregious mistakes. It’s about parents who were good parents, who made mistakes that were certainly within normal limits.”
I can relate. I divorced when my sons were 13 and 10. Their teen years were filled with screaming matches, talking back and skipping school. Miraculously we survived this period. Decades later, for reasons unknown to me, one son became verbally abusive, culminating in an email that he never wanted to see me again.
I was dumbfounded by the cut-off. I wrote back, appealing for a chance to talk through our problems. After a few months he broke his silence but the tension was there until I learned to listen to his complaints without getting defensive when previously I had insisted his perceptions were wrong and unfair. Today we have a good relationship but part of me worries that the other shoe will drop and the nasty verbal flings will resurface.
A mother struggling to understand her adult son’s refusal to see her.
Coleman, who went through a period of estrangement with his own adult daughter, offers practical guidelines for estranged parents. The first step is to “fearlessly take responsibility for whatever ways you were wrong.” In my case it meant owning up to my failure to exert my authority. I was an ineffective disciplinarian, quick to dissolve into tears when I failed.
Other steps include making amends where you acknowledge your part in the tensions. It’s a hard step but necessary; honest reflection can be unburdening for you and soften your child’s reaction.
Write down your amends where you honestly own your role in the conflict with your adult child
I had an epiphany reading Coleman’s suggestion to “develop a life story based on one’s strengths as a parent rather than one about your failures.”
Instead of those endless stories I told myself about Pat as a failed parent, I reached back for the ways we connected positively: we cooked together frequently; we enjoyed wacky TV sitcoms like the British ‘90’s show, “The “Young Ones,” and the occasional road trip.
Create a new parent story that focuses on the positives in your relationship with your adult child
This begs the question: what about those parents who make overtures to reconcile, only to be rejected?
Coleman’s advice is not to give up: write letters every few weeks; don’t get defensive or accusatory; profess your love and the hope that someday your relationship can resume. Coleman insists that in most circumstances staying in connection will yield a rapproachment.
Many estranged parents are beset with shame, leaving them too embarrassed to seek support.
Isolation can be a prescription for depression. Support from friends and empathetic family members can prove life-saving. Ask a close friend for permission to phone when you’re feeling blue. For added support, consult the website: rejectedparents.net
When depressed over your estrangement reach out to close friends for support
Above all don’t let your adult child’s attacks determine your self-worth. Life isn’t fair but that shouldn’t stop any of us from trying to live fully regardless of what we’re handed. Heartache often has a silver lining, bringing our inner strengths to the surface.
