Thanksgiving is Always Messy

I’m not just referring to a kitchen sink loaded with dirty pots and pans and stacks of dinner plates smeared with gravy.  The big messy part is family relationships.

It’s that time of year when the internet is overrun with articles on how to avoid dinner table conflicts or sparks with combative relatives.  What if I suggested that you stop trying to strategize your way through your turkey dinner, and just accept the inevitable?

There’s the predictable obnoxious brother-in-law who delights in putdowns, or the young mother who fails to discipline her unruly children, laughing off their attempts to toss wadded up mashed potatoes.  Then there’s the frustrating deaf uncle who can’t make sense of the conversation, or the cousin who brings an inedible shared dish, like her Jello mold filled with candied brussel sprouts.

Family chaos at the Thanksgiving table

While it can be fairly easy to shrug off predictable bad manners and annoying habits of relatives, it’s not so easy when an older brother or bitchy cousin make a hurtful dig.

Rather than come prepared with zingy comebacks, my best advice, based on what’s helped me from getting drawn into hurtful comments, is to apply the mantra of popular spiritual teacher Ram Dass, who preached “Be here now.”   It sounds easy, but it can be challenging to focus on what’s happening at the moment, asking your head to take a back seat to your heart.

Ram Dass towards the end of his life

Being present can allow you to see relatives in a new light, where you abandon prejudicial feelings towards them, and simply listen and ask questions to draw them out.  Make it a goal to deepen your understanding of them.  If you’re automatically dismissing a cousin because she’s politically conservative, respectfully ask her why she’s drawn to her position, while refraining from any critical comments.  Imagine yourself as a reporter, wanting to enlarge your view of the cousin.

A woman listening non judgmentally

Instead of reacting, to a nasty zinger, be curious and observe.  Consider that the mean spirited sibling has anger issues and may be unhappy, Make an effort to enlarge your understanding of him.  Choose a neutral topic, like asking about his favorite football team, or a book he’d recommend.  Compliment him, if it feels real.

In my family, like many I expect, kitchen prep conversations can be intimate and fun-loving, and less charged than dinner table exchanges.  I remember the year my nerves were frazzled trying to get all my side dishes timed perfectly, when my young grandson, approached me with pleading eyes, requesting to make the mashed potatoes. The time I spent guiding him with the mixer screwed up my timetable, but he was so delightful, that I relaxed and became present.  Besides, what family ever sits down to their turkey dinner at the scheduled time?

Cooking  together can create fond Thanksgiving memories

In general, I have found one-on-one time with bristly relatives can help defuse a charged relationship.  I’ve actually enjoyed post-dinner walks with a judgmental sister-in-law where we were mutually relieved to get a break from the family intensity.  Playing board games with bratty small fry can be fun, even when they cheat.

Humor and shared laughs lessen tension. Maybe you want to ask everyone at the table to share funny family stories?

I have a friend who is planning to leave little love notes at everyone’s place setting where she’ll describe what she admires about that sibling, cousin, aunt, uncle, or in-law.

While I have advocated the importance of accepting the inevitability of snarky comments, bratty behavior and political clashes, by being present, that doesn’t rule out some advance thinking when your blood pressure spikes.

Even Ram Dass might acknowledge the value of being prepared with a few fallback measures, like love notes tucked next to everyone’s napkin.

Happy Messy Thanksgiving to All!