Recognize Self-Defeating Thinking

Aging can be so challenging for the older woman that it’s a wonder any of us enjoy a happy old age, but it’s within reach once we learn to recognize thinking patterns that box us in.

It’s natural to indulge in thinking about good times in the past.  Romancing the past can be problematic when it becomes obsessive and obscures the reality of past events, while preventing you from enjoying the present moment.

I have a friend who was a great beauty and still is at 75 but she constantly reminisces about her younger days when she turned heads.  She forgets that this time in her life was marked by a nasty divorce.

A woman lamenting her lost youthful appearance

For a long time, I found myself in the romancing-the-past-trap as I lingered over memories of the tight couple network my ex-husband and I enjoyed in our ‘30’s.  I had forgotten that my ex was frequently drunk and embarrassing at dinner parties. I was in a past life bubble.

Older women who live alone and feel lonely often hesitate to attend social events alone, worried that they’ll be labeled a loser if they dine alone or attend a play or concert solo.  It takes courage to do things alone but as one friend said,  “I refuse to have a lousy social life just because I’m 68 and live alone.”  As a benefit,  a boost of self-confidence often accompanies going out solo.

Approach solo activities in baby steps. Start by going to a coffeehouse alone and then work up to lunch alone and eventually dinner alone at a friendly neighborhood restaurant where you bring a book and walk in confidently even if you’re feeling awkward, acting on the advice, “Fake it til you make it.”

An older woman enjoying her own company

Adjusting to physical changes in a huge challenge, but it’s far better to accept them as a part of aging rather than curse at your arthritis or bouts of insomnia. I know a few older women plagued with serious health issues, even cancer, who still attend social events, like dinner parties, and don’t hesitate to leave early when their energy wanes. Everyone understands and appreciates the effort they make to join us.

Diana Athill, the British writer who died at 98 refused to engage in negative thinking.  When her life closed in on her rather than being depressed, she used her imagination to keep her spirits high.

Diana Athill luxuriating in her solitude

In her memoir, Somewhere Towards the End, Athill relates how fond memories enriched her solitude.  She loved gardening but rather than lament the fact she could no longer work in the garden she writes, “I can still see flowers in my mind’s eye.”  When she had trouble sleeping, she confessed to “counting old lovers rather than sheep.”

Never underestimate the power of humor to lighten your mood and to reframe a lousy day into a positive one.

The writer, Abigail Thomas is masterful in this regard.  Rather than worry about an ailing memory, she regards being reminded of what she’s forgotten as an achievement because it means, “I am finally living in the moment.”

A daily gratitude list is another way to instill a positive attitude.  The writer, Mary Pipher, describes how she starts her morning by finding gratitude in simple things, like relishing in the bird songs she hears from her kitchen window.

I know older women who insist they have arrived at their best selves because they are more self-aware and more at peace. This mind set is within reach for all of us. It’s not easy to change your thinking, but consider the alternative . . .

Two older women projecting their positive feelings about aging