Pat Taub
Molly Jong-Fast’s new memoir, “How to Lose Your Mother” conjured up memories of the 1981 film, “Mommie Dearest,” where Faye Dunaway played Joan Crawford, Hollywood’s narcissistic abusive mother.
A scene from “Mommie Dearest” with Faye Dunaway as Joan Crawford and Mara Hobel as her daughter
Jong-Fast is writing about her famous mother Erica Jong, author of “Fear of Flying. Jong, while narcissistic was not physically abusive, but her indifference to her daughter, her only child, might qualify as abuse through neglect.
Jong-Fast describes in agonizing detail how her mother professed her love for her but was largely absent in her daughter’s life, prioritizing book tours, TV appearances and out-of-town trips to time with Molly, relegating her care to their nanny. Rare mother-daughter time was through trips abroad or extravagant shopping excursions at Bergdorf Goodman’s.
Erica Jong and Molly, 1981
The mother-daughter relationship was complicated by Jong’s alcoholism, and addiction to men. Her around-the-clock drinking made it difficult for her to be physically and emotionally present for her daughter. As a teen Molly herself became addicted to alcohol and drugs. To her credit, she entered rehab at 19 and remains sober, while attending AA meetings regularly.
Erica and Molly, 2012, when Molly was 34
I was sympathetic to Molly’s feelings of abandonment and the confusion she experienced from her mother regularly expressing love for her without actions to match. But I grew exhausted with the tireless examples of Jong-Fast’s ambivalent relationship with her mother. In case after case she describes neglect, followed by profusions of love for her mother before shifting into anger. These ambivalent ramblings left me pleading with the author, “Please find yourself a good therapist!”
In interviews Molly has commented that she wrote this book to help the reader. While many readers will identify with being the daughter of a narcissist or a mother who gives conflicting messages of love, I didn’t find it particularly helpful to read a story of a woman stuck in her relationship with her mother.
What would have been helpful is if Jong-Fast had offered some suggestions for resolving her maternal conflicts. She showed some evidence of understanding how her mother’s past shaped her: Jong-Fast comes from a family of alcoholics, where both her mother and maternal grandmother were narcissists and alcoholics. Why couldn’t Jong-Fast accept this as the reason why her mother was incapable of being the mother she longed for instead of incessantly wishing for a different mother, one Jong simply wasn’t capable of being.
I wasn’t without sympathy for Jong-Fast, whose story is set in 2023 when her mother was rapidly succumbing to dementia while Jong-Fast’s husband was battling pancreatic cancer. She managed to be supportive and loving towards her husband, while taking on the difficult task of moving both her stubborn dementia-stricken mother and stepfather with Parkinson’s, to assisted living.
The author with her husband, Matthew Adlai Greenfield
While readers may not have suffered the same emotional tolls Jong-Fast endured, many have been raised by narcissistic mothers, or mothers who were not fully present due to depression, demanding careers or the stress of being a single parent on a limited income. We aren’t all stuck like Jong-Fast. Many of us were able to move on, largely by developing compassion for the circumstances of our mother’s childhoods that limited their parenting.
For me, the big take-away from this book is that wallowing in the past is both self-indulgent and draining. Jong-Fast was clearly traumatized by her mother’s inability to deliver steady, loving parenting. I wish she would address this trauma so she can move on. How much real service is she offering readers when her model is one of repetitive mother-blame and self-pity as opposed to one of resolving her traumatic childhood?
