Pat Taub
I recently received an email from a WOW reader, who described herself as “miserable with aging.” She wrote, “I hate getting old. I hate the wrinkles, sleep problems and bouts of loneliness . . . I hate having aged out of the dating scene.”
The reader’s complaints carry a universal ring in our ageist and sexist culture, which presents a formidable challenge to older women. As Bette Davis famously quipped, “Old age ain’t no place for sissies.”
The more I pondered the reader’s note the more I questioned why some women are able to overcome the culture’s negative messages about aging and why others fight getting old.
I made a list of women I know who have aged positively. They share physical limitations like arthritis or decreased flexibility. They have wrinkles, round physiques, and curtailed lifestyles, yet they always greet me with a warm smile, eager to discuss a recent book or film that moved them, a travel adventure or a recent political action they joined in.
Among the older women I know who have aged positively.
Curious to learn more, I asked some of these women how they manage to stay upbeat about aging. A 91-year-old woman said, “I try not to look back. It was hard to lose my husband and our treasured home and move into independent living, but I’ve made new friends with whom I have a lot in common.”
An 82-year-old woman who uses a cane to get around wasn’t deferred from taking a trip to Greece when the opportunity arose. Her passion for life is inspiring, evident when she tells me, “I want to live as fully as I can while I can.”
Aging doesn’t have to mean an end to travel dreams
There’s the 70-year-old woman who celebrated her birthday by buying a bike. On her first outing she had a minor accident, but brushed it off as “beginner’s bad luck.” Now she greets spring with a bike ride through her favorite park.
A circle of close friends are actively discussing pooling their resources to buy a home together, envisioning themselves as contemporary “Golden Girls,” aging with good company and having support handy if one of them gets sick or becomes infirm.
I know an 83-year-old who is drafting her 6thbook after breaking her hip and being faced with a long period of being off her feet. A few women I know are penning their memoirs to pass along to their grandchildren. They told me how moving it’s been to revisit heartfelt periods in their lives.
Aging is fuller and, often happier, when one has a project or engages in social action.
Even insomnia can be approached positively. A Quaker acquaintance, when waking in the middle of the night reminds herself of the Quaker saying that the wee hours before sunrise are “God’s time.” She uses this sacred time to journal or read until she feels drowsy and can return to bed.
A 65 year-old woman who had been single for a while, canceled her online dating membership and started a dinner club for her single women friends. She confessed that she’s having a lot more fun than when she was dating.
Women’s dinner groups in a restaurant or at home offer meaningful social connections.
The take-away from my research is to live in the present. Memories are to be treasured but the past remains in the past. A project, reading list or membership in a social action group like 350.org gives meaning to life and keeps the brain juices flowing. Aging doesn’t mean you have to stop pursuing your dreams. It just means modifying them to fit your changing circumstances.
When I get down about growing old I turn to this passage by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, which never fails to inspire and renew me:
For age is opportunity no less
Than youth itself, though in another dress.
And as the evening twilight fades away
The sky is filled with stars, invisible by day.
