Pat Taub
All things considered I’m managing my old age fairly well. I can check off most of the boxes for health, family, etc., but when it comes to handling my regrets, I’m often stalled.
To this day I’m haunted over screaming matches with my teenage sons, impatience with my mother when she was dying, love affairs I allowed to go on way beyond their expiration date, and on a daily basis, regrets over poor time management.
I’m wondering if regrets are a natural component to aging. Given the tendency to reflect on the past as we do our life reviews, is it inevitable that we’ll get lost in regrets? Is this behavior magnified for women, like me, who are proficient at taking on guilt?
A woman in regret-mode
I feel like Lady Macbeth uttering “Out damned spot:” In my case it’s regrets that I can’t rub out rather than blood.
I don’t want regrets to cloud my family visits where I work hard to be better than my younger self. I don’t want regrets to induce guilt at the end of the day because I gave up writing time to read a trashy novel or because I didn’t exercise.
Even during happy family outings, my regrets might linger unspoken
My clarity comes unexpectedly at random moments: when I’m cooking, in the shower or talking a walk. Recently a light bulb went off in my brain while rinsing my breakfast dishes: “What if my regrets visit me because they represent unfinished emotional work?”
While I can’t go back in time to correct my regretful behavior, I can view my regrets as lessons for the future.
Rather than stewing about not being a better single parent, I can examine my shortcomings as roadmaps for the future. I got into trouble with my sons because I didn’t stop and listen. I made assumptions. I had my own agenda for their lives. Today when I’m having long distance phone conversations with them I’m listening more and talking less. I’m trying not to offer opinions unless asked.
A woman releasing herself from regrets
Another technique for banishing regrets is to stop what I’m doing and take a meditative break or go for a walk. Both of these practices calm my mind, keeping my regrets at bay.
It’s equally important to remind myself, preferably in a journal, of those aspects of my life that give me pleasure and are regret-free. Dedicated journaling can yield positive thinking. I find humor invaluable for lightening my mood, where I exaggerate my concerns into the ridiculous.
Another tool I find helpful is to extend loving-kindness to myself. The positive focus offered by loving-kindness leaves less room for the negatives in my life, which is where regrets tend to live.
I will always harbor my share of regrets but they don’t have to take on the mantle of “Pat the Failure.” Instead I can view them as an inevitable part of life, as roadmaps for helping me to avoid the mistakes of my past and to remind me that I’m human. I will do my best to live in the present moment and not beat myself up when I make an insensitive comment or fret away a day procrastinating.
I found this quote on the site “Ravenous Butterflies,” which serves as a reminder to keep my regrets in perspective:
“The strength of a woman is not measured by the impact that all her hardships in life have had on her; but the strength of a woman is measured by the extent of her refusal to allow those hardships to dictate her and who she becomes.”
–C. JoyBell C.
