Pat Taub
When she turned 80, Jane Fonda told a Vanity Fair interviewer, “”I’ve closed up shop down there.” She was referring to her decision to forgo sex, elaborating that she had a full, contended single life without sexual relations.
Fonda isn’t alone. Many older single women have joined her chorus of living into the sunset without a sexual partner. Curious to learn more about this phenomenon I arranged a brunch date with two old friends, both in their ‘70’s, who have chosen a single lifestyle and who can be relied on for their willingness to talk openly and honestly.
Many single older women who have stopped pursing sex report a contented life style
Over coffee and scrambled eggs, the two women, B and S, described how sex had lost its appeal for them.
B got the ball rolling by saying she found the whole male-female pursuit exhausting. S was quick to agree, saying that her life was more peaceful without chasing sex or a relationship.
Both women have done a lot of soul searching and are leading meaningful lives. They dispel the images of women swearing off sex because they’re angry with men or have been burned by their relationships.
A confident single older woman who reminds me of my friends, B and S
B and S married and divorced and had a string of lovers, enjoying robust sex lives. Today they are confident, secure and happy in their celibate lives, while enjoying the social company of men.
I listened carefully as B and S elaborated on their 70’s selves without sex. B explained that the energy she formerly invested in pursuing a relationship or to please a man was now available for her iPhone photography. She is full of new dreams for expressing her artistry.
S mused, “After so many years of taking care of others, my life now is for me. I love living alone and the freedom to come and go as I please.”
The more I listened to my friends the more I started to think they were taking a radical position. Women have been conditioned to find status through a relationship with a man. When a woman thoughtfully rejects this lifestyle for a solo existence, she is bucking social traditions.
S luxuriates in the freedom of her single life where her time is her own
B and S said they’d be open to a meaningful sexual union if it presented itself, but they no longer put energy into trying to attract a man. Because they’re both sensual women I asked them if they missed sex. S laughed and responded, “I still have sex but it’s with myself.” B smiled in agreement.
After our brunch ended and I was back home I found myself thinking about older women who lead full lives without sex. I goggled, “older women living contently without sex.” Virtually every link directed me to sites focused on helping older women discover ways to enjoy sex or to ads offering sex toys to enhance the older woman’s libido.
Agnes Varda, who was single for the latter part of her life, created critically acclaimed films, which reflected her joie de vivre. She died in 2019.
The Internet was conspiring against my friends’ lifestyle. It made sex paramount rather than recognizing that the central meaning in the lives of many single women is found in creative pursuits, close friendships, family and spiritual practices.
I realize that many older women enjoy fulfilling partnerships and/or meaningful sexual relationships, but why should this model be the only one that serves the older woman?
Can we affirm the courage and strength of the woman who lives alone and no longer finds pursuing a sexual partner the best choice for her? Can we stop making the single older woman feel inadequate if she’s without a partner?
Many younger women make a campaign out of finding a partner, feeling like failures if they’re not in a relationship. We’re not doing them any favors if we perpetuate this model without showing them an alternative: the content older woman living alone with meaningful pursuits, good friends, and perhaps a trusty vibrator in her nightstand.
