Pat Taub
GUEST POST BY JANET WEIL
On a visit with relatives in rural Oregon in September, I sat at the dining table with my female relative – let’s call her Tricia – while our husbands went to the auto parts store. Instead of the offer of a beverage and a look at the latest photos of her grandchildren I was expecting, Tricia started in on a near-rant about the accusations against Kavanaugh.
Taken aback, I mostly listened while she complained, in a rather coded way, about women not taking responsibility for being in sexually charged situations (“what about their choices?”). I mildly pointed out that in the case of a 15-year-old girl at a pool party, we were not talking about “women.” I also agreed where I honestly could.
Thanksgiving gatherings can be stressful if different viewpoints aren’t respected.
I was relieved when the men got back from their errand!
I love Tricia. She’s one of the few people I still know from high school. I respect her as a decent woman who’s been kind to me over the years, so it was fairly easy for me to take this conversation in stride and not try to “win”, or even to argue with her. She made some points about female agency and decision-making that, in general, I agree with – though context is everything, as I tried to make clear.
I know that Tricia’s politics, which center around the immorality (as she sees it) of abortion, are very different than mine. To her, Kavanaugh is someone on the right side of that issue. We both know we are not going to change each other’s positions.
Brett Kavanaugh and Dr. Ford during the Kavanaugh hearings,which continue to divide the country.
Thanksgiving is a time for extended family gatherings – and a time when the sudden venting of political views can wreck the dinner, or at least your digestion. It helps to be prepared, and to know what you want from these situations, and what you do not want.
A few tips for handling “that conversation” as the often-fraught holiday season draws near:
If you are the hostess of a politically divided family, have a plan for how your guests will interact. Watching football on TV? Throwing a football outside? Helping you cook? Looking at family photos? Without being overly controlling, have something for people to do together, to keep the focus on the enjoyment of being together. People sitting around bored is a recipe for grouch-fests to erupt.
If someone “starts in on it” – bragging about Trump’s latest putdown, or, on the other side of the red/blue divide, gloating about recent Democratic wins – be ready yourself, or have someone else at the ready, to redirect the conversation. Be prepared with topics of conversation that will be of interest to the whole group. Don’t let one person dominate the table talk. Two family members re-hashing the 2018 midterms (or whatever) isn’t good, either. The tone you want is relaxed, friendly, and conducive to digestion, not rancor.
Cooking together can create harmony at Thanksgiving
If you are the guest, be prepared for how you are going to respond if someone with different politics wants to express his/her views. “We agree to disagree” is a time-tested expression to indicate lack of interest in debating. If you are open to listening to another point of view, sit down with the person and give him or her your respectful attention for 15 minutes or so. If you’re not, then don’t. “We’ll never agree on that, but I love you anyway!” said with a smile tells the person how much you care, something we all want to hear.
What do you want from the family gathering? Give that some mindful attention beforehand, then keep your expectations modest. It may not be smooth, it will probably never be perfect – but the coming together is part of the family experience.
Two happy Thanksgiving guests
Remember that your family members are more than their use of political jargon or slogans.
What helped me get through a tricky conversation with Tricia is that we understand that each of us is more than her voting decisions or political label. I also knew that “this too shall pass” – and that we would be talking about something different, and more enjoyable, soon. And so we did, picking organic tomatoes in her garden, and together noticing a brilliantly colored bird that flew to her porch.
Happy holidays, and good luck!
