Finding Your Voice

Finding your voice is coming home to yourself, being true to what matters to you, and no longer suppressing your feelings.

The noted Canadian  psychiatrist, Gabor Mate, refers to finding your voice as acting with agency.  In this recent book, “The Myth of Normal,” he contends that nice women, who do for others at the expense of their own well- being can actually die sooner. This may be a rare occurrence, but it’s a dramatic way of pointing out that your health and emotional well-being are at risk if you’re not living an authentic life.

I’m often surprised by women who function admirably in the workplace, where they speak up, yet stifle their voices in their intimate relationships.  They yield to their partner or other close family members to avoid conflict, while forfeiting their own needs.

Why is it so hard for women to use their voices in close relationships? 

When you consider that since the beginning of time, women have been conditioned to keep the peace and put others first, it makes sense.  This is in spite of the Feminist revolution that encouraged women to use their voices, and not to hold back when treated unfairly.

A good example of a successful professional women who didn’t use her voice with her husband was the subject of a recent New York Times, “Modern Love,” column written by couples’ therapist, Tonya Lester, who wanted their family to have a dog, but, when her husband objected, she shut down.

With their communication at a standstill, Lester’s husband suggested couples counseling,  Lester was startled to have their therapist speak to her the way she often talked to couples in her office: You’re silencing yourself. You’re creating the distance between you. You need to take emotional risks, open up and tolerate conflict. You aren’t saving the relationship by staying quiet; you’re destroying it.”

When you find your voice, you experience emotional freedom.  It’s like a weight being lifted from your shoulders.  I’ve been there, holding back with a partner because I was afraid, I might lose the relationship if I spoke out, risking his disapproval. But when my concerns were heard, I not only felt free, but the relationship grew.

There is a recent cultural phenomenon called the “Gray Divorces,” referring to the rise in divorce among older couples in long term marriages.  When I solicited experiences of women who had initiated divorce after decades of marriage, they all said, they felt hemmed in, at the mercy of unhappy husbands, who didn’t want to grow with them.  These women found their voices, divorced their husbands and are now living authentically.

A middle-aged woman contemplating a gray divorce

To find your voice, or simply to use it more, ask yourself, “What are the reasons why I’m  afraid to speak out?” and “Who are the people or voices that inhibit me from speaking out?”

Finding your voice is done in the interest of self-care and self-love. Using your authentic voice doesn’t mean you speak hurtfully.  It means you speak your truth respectfully without attacking the other.  You become an authentic woman.

Claudia Rankine, a brilliant writer who describes using her voice when treated in a prejudiced manner

For inspiration, hold onto the closing words of Mary Oliver’s “The Journey:”

“As you strode deeper and deeper

Into the world,

Determined to do

The only thing you could do‚

Determined to save

The only life you could save. “