Pat Taub
About seven months ago my beloved younger brother phoned to inform me he had been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. He assured me he was accepting of his diagnosis, adding that he and his wife had applied for companion-assisted suicide at the point when his memory loss makes it difficult for him to function.
My brother during last month’s trip to France
Once I got over the shock of my brother’s news, I recognized that it was about time for me to consider my own death as well. This means paying more than lip service to my mortality but sitting with what it will be like to die and facing the accompanying fears.
While my brother talks frankly about being in a death mindset, the reality is we’re all going to die, and there’s no knowing when. I could die before my brother.
I get a gold star for completing my death paperwork: my will has been updated. I have a DNR in place. I’ve talked to my children about my preference for a green burial. I’m in the process of gathering their selections for my art and antique collection.
But the stars are scant when it comes to facing my fears around dying. How do I say goodbye to all the things I love: my country retreat, teaching and blogging, my sons and their families, dear friends, political actions, travel, literature, music, theater? How do I accept this will all end at some point?
Ram Dass, the noted spiritual leader, offers a perspective for facing death without fear: “Death does not have to be treated as an enemy for you to delight in life. Keeping death present in your consciousness imbues your life of added riches otherwise used up in denial.”
Ram Dass towards the end of his life
For Ram Dass death is a spiritual passage, where death is not the end, but a transformation to a new incarnation. He describes sitting with countless dying patients, and how their bodies softened and relaxed as they took their last breaths and entered into the light. I experienced this witnessing my mother’s death. When she uttered her last breath, a beatific smile crossed her face.
Other examples of benevolent death are found in the testimony of people with near-death experiences, when they were pronounced dead, but came back to life, after which they described being in a light-filled serene setting.
I have a friend who had a near death experience as a teen. She told me she didn’t want to leave her peaceful surroundings when her life was restored. She reflects, “Because of that experience I’m not afraid of dying.”
A common near death experience reports moving into a tunnel filled with dazzling light
For Ram Dass and Buddhist practitioners, being in the moment is the key to delighting in life and putting the fears of death in the background, raising the question, “How to slow down to be in the moment?”
A time-honored approach favors a meditation and gratitude practice to calm the busy mind and to destress the body. I’m discovering that sitting in silence at a regular time each day along with meditative walks on my quiet country road add serenity to my life.
Practicing gratitude
A daily gratitude practice softens my heart and fills me with joy as I give thanks for my cherished home, my family and friends, while extending gratitude to the gifts right in front of me at this moment: the morning bird songs or the garden flowers that opened overnight.
A central obstacle to being present is when I’m impacted by the political flood gates. As a former journalist and die-hard news junkie it’s very easy for me to get caught up in the world’s ills. I have to learn to step back, meditate, and take deep cleansing breaths when I fall into despair over the news.
I’m grateful to my brother for awakening me to the importance of facing my fears of death. It’s not easy. It’s a bumpy, challenging road, but as Bette Davis reminds us, “Old age is not for sissies.”
