Aging as a Lesbian

GUEST POST By DOREEN BLUMENFELD

I’m not sure there is much difference to aging as a lesbian than as a straight woman. Same aches, same muddled brain, same thinning hair, and poor eyesight.

What makes lesbians different as we age? 

Perhaps, and only perhaps, on the surface, some lesbians have a greater appreciation for women friends and know the intimacy with which we share the chapters of our lives.

Lesbian couple, Ruth and Zenobia, together for 23 years

There is a shared “knowingness” as Whoopee Goldberg expressed in the ‘60s movie “Boys on the Side”.  I also fully recognize that our straight sisters still have good and close women friends, and take solace in the long term shared history. As I dig a little deeper, perhaps there are a couple of issues that set lesbians apart.

Firstly, lesbians frequently don’t have as many children as straight women.  Thus, there is less of the assumed support of an adult child.  Lesbians are used to creating “family” or close supportive relationships with other women after dealing with rejection from homophobic birth family members. This type of “family” tends to be of the same age and share holidays and special events.

Lesbians in community, cooking together at the Michigan Womyns Music Festival, 1985

Gay and straight alike are joining the club of senior orphans. This is a club of women and men that do not have family members or at least available family members to help with aging issues.

Lesbians are also frequently known for maintaining friendships with their former partners.  This may add numbers to our support system.  I like to think that those of us traveling this age-focused rocky path can tap into the collective creativity, confidence and closeness we have had to develop to help us through adversity.  Again, this is not gender specific, or related to sexual orientation, but it is applicable to most minorities.

The author’s women’s group composed of both gay and straight women

One truth of many gay relationships is that the roles are less defined and more fluid. Individuals frequently don’t go into the relationship with preconceived and accepted roles of who takes out the garbage and who cooks.  Sure, some straight people push the cultural norms and redefine what works for them in a relationship.  But frequently in a gay relationship, both parties learn how to cook and use a hammer.

Therefore as lesbians age, we may have skills to keep us independent for a longer period of time.

Gay people frequently have developed grit, because they have had to deal with a lot of prejudice and discrimination. Again, a trait that many minorities have had to develop. Aging is scary for both gays and straights as we feel less able and more vulnerable.

Lesbians marching in a recent Pride parade in Minnesota

Frequently gays and lesbians feel that a senior housing complex is not the most emotionally supportive or financially feasible for them.  With faith based care, facilities or caregiver’s homophobia can affect quality of care.  Many lesbians learn to not talk casually about their experiences or relationships because of cultural homophobia.

Consequently, a lot of creativity, just like in the straight world, is focused on aging in place, or shared housing.  Many women outlive men.  When a woman loses her husband, there is frequently not just the devastating loss of a loved one, but also a readjustment to living in the world by oneself.

Shared housing is a viable option for both older Lesbian and straight women; this is a shared housing community in England.

For lesbians, having practice living with other women can make a shared housing transition a bit easier and the adjustments softer. Single straight women may have a bit more of a learning curve in living with other women. However, aging with grace really depends on the person, not the sexual orientation.

Practicing mutual respect, healthy boundaries, self-confidence, generosity of spirit, courage, and gratitude make the later years easier for all.

Bea and Randi, both in their ’90’s, who have aged with grace and high spirits

Doreen is a counselor of over 30 years living in a beautiful redwood forest which inspires her work and life.  Happily in a 23 year relationship she also shares her home with 2 dogs and 2 cats. Creating support and connection with others is creatively expressed in the work she does in her community and on the web.  Visit www.hearthill.com for more information on Doreen.