Wrestling with Ego

This past weekend I was visited by my brother and his wife, who are doing their best to live fully with my brother’s recent Alzheimer’s diagnosis. After they drove away, and I reflected on their visit, I was struck by how many times I passed judgment for my brother’s difficulty restraining his hyper-behavior and for my sister-in-law’s interference with his agency.

A useful guide for families with an Alzheimer’s member

How arrogant of me!  What they’re going through demands love on my part, which is clearly present and felt by them, but I fell short. My ego was too present. I was left with the take-away that I need to up my loving-kindness practice with a focus on developing greater patience.

For starters, I’m promising myself to be more conscientious about my meditation practice, by meditating daily with a focus on developing insight into my patterns of observing, listening, and interacting, The objective is to move towards a greater acceptance of others where loving-kindness leads.

Tricia Hersey, author of “Rest is Resistance,” meditating

My challenge is to put aside my ego in order to be vulnerable so I might see with fresh eyes and listen without passing judgment. It’s what Ram Dass refers to as moving from the ego to the heart. He recommends repeating the mantra, “I am loving awareness” in one’s meditation and daily movements.

My meditation is embedded in a daily practice where I sit quietly, but meditation doesn’t have to be a sitting practice.  For some it may take the form of a walking meditation in nature, on the beach, by another body of water, in the woods, or in a quiet urban park.  The important variable is to locate oneself in a quiet space, where external noise is at a minimum.

In our conflict-ridden world peace is what will save us and make our lives meaningful.  For Ram Dass, a peaceful heart requires an inner journey. He instructs that peace is not only external, but internal.

Being an imperfect creature, I consistently fall into old patterns, like passing judgment on others, as I did this past weekend. If I had been more attentive, less reactive and more patient, I would have pulled back, taken a few deep breaths and asked my ego to step aside to make room for loving kindness.  There’s always a next time, but when I become reactive or pass judgment, that’s where my work lies.

On a practical level, I’m trying to cut back on my screen time to clear my head of all the friction and prejudicial opinions on social media.  This is challenging for a lifelong news junkie. While I want to be informed, I’m learning to take a news break when I find myself in despair or angry.

With friends and family members who don’t share my concerns for the mounting genocide in Gaza, rather than trying to convince them to see my viewpoint, I’m trying to  listen to them towards developing a deeper understanding of what makes them tick.  In this respect I’m indebted to Arlie Hochschild’s model for listening to Trump supporters without passing judgment. Her journey is documented in her book, Strangers in Their Own Land: Anger and Mourning on the American Right.

Hochschild explaining how emotions shape political beliefs: a key concept from her research

None of us are powerless to make a difference in the world at large. Loving-kindness and a peaceful co-existence have never mattered more as each day we inch closer to ecocide and a potential deadly nuclear war in the Middle East or with Russia.

Love yourself, your neighbor and the planet.  Raise your voice with loving kindness. Every loving heartbeat sends out vibrations for peace. But time is of the essence. Follow John Lennon’s dream, “Imagine all the people living life in peace.”