Pat Taub
For several years I taught the course, “Women and Aging” at Portland, Maine’s senior college. Without fail, every time we came to the segment on sex, previously verbal classes suddenly shut down. Their discomfort was palpable.
Why are so many older women, among both married and single women, uncomfortable discussing sex?
I did a little digging to try and understand why older women are resistant to conversations around sex. First. there’s the Hollywood image of the hot older woman, like the actress Joan Collins who, at 86, brags about her robust sex life with her much younger husband. While she may be an outlier, her image can be intimidating to the older woman, who hasn’t had plastic surgery to whittle away the years.
Joan Collins, 86, with her husband, Percy Gibson, 30 years younger
Then there are the physical changes which can make female older sex challenging, like limited lubrication. I suspect many women are too embarrassed to try to accommodate to this change, but sex doesn’t have to be limited to intercourse.
In my classes, many women dismissed sex by saying it’s no longer important to them.
According to Lynn Segal, author of Out of Time: The Pleasures and Perils of Ageing, older women who deny an interest in sex are frequently covering up for the fact that they no longer feel sexually attractive. She chalks this up to our sexist culture, which propagates the message that women with wrinkles and sagging body parts are undesirable, creating body shame. I wonder if those older women who dress in baggy clothes are trying to camouflage their sexuality.
Author, Lynn Segal exuding confidence and comfort with her age.
There’s another category of women who would like a sexual or physical connection but lack the opportunity. An 80 plus woman I know once tenderly confessed to me, “The only time I’m touched is when I go to the hairdressers.”
In my classes when I mentioned how a vibrator can offer sexual satisfaction, especially if one is without a partner, you could hear the proverbial pin drop. I think there was only one occasion when a woman reported using a vibrator.
It’s high time older women challenged the sex positive image restricted to the young supple body, replacing it with images of erotic older women who look like you and me.
Photographer Jocelyn Lee is helping to fill this vacuum in her beautiful photographs of nude older women who project confidence with themselves in their aging forms.
An image from Jocelyn Lee’s book, “Sovereign”
Beatrice Wood, the ceramic artist, who lived to 105, described the importance of sex in her old age as a vital force that enhanced her creativity. Wood seemed indifferent to public opinion, brushing off those who found her late in life sexuality embarrassing.
Beatrice Wood, ceramic artist, appearing sensual and confident
Recently the “New York Times” very popular “Modern Love” column published an essay by an 82-year-old woman, who found herself missing sex. She enlisted a young friend to accompany her to a sex shop to buy a vibrator because she was embarrassed to go in alone. Yet, when she found a vibrator she liked, she confidently purchased it.
Decades ago, I interviewed Maggie Kuhn, the founder of the Gray Panthers. At the time she was well into her ‘80’s. I was much younger and suffering from ageism. I was struck by Maggie’s energy, which prompted me to comment, “I bet you had a lot of lovers when you were young.” Maggie snapped back, “What makes you think I no longer have lovers?”
Maggie Kuhn, founder of the Gray Panthers, exemplified a robust spirit
Let’s embrace Maggie’s spirit and confidence and not let the culture define us as sexually undesirable. Let’s allow ourselves to express our sensuality. There are a lot of good vibrators on the market, as that 82-year-old woman writing in the “Times” discovered.
