Owning Your Voice

My class of “Women and Aging,” got into a lively discussion for maximizing our later years.  After the class one member dashed off a group email apologizing for “interrupting and talking too much.”  Her email was promptly followed by another class member who echoed the same regret along with her apology.  A little later a third class member wrote her own apology for taking up too much floor space.

What was this all about?  Why do women have to second guess themselves when they speak with passion and conviction at some length?  When they speak out, why do they often feel a need to apologize afterwards?

A woman second-guessing herself

The answer lies in our female conditioning where women are taught: ‘Don’t make waves, don’t upset anyone and, for heaven’s sake, keep your speech at a minimum.’  All the women in my class came of age during the second wave of feminism, embracing its tenets on our right to take a stand for our beliefs, but old habits die hard.

Many of us were raised to look nice and not make waves.

I have a friend, a seasoned social activist, with whom I was on a local committee working on community issues around social justice. In our meetings this friend, speaking eloquently and passionately, offered sound suggestions.  Many times, after our meetings, she would phone me, lamenting that she had offended someone.  In spite of my repeated reassurances that her words were important to our cause, she continued to doubt herself.

It’s high time women stand proud, speak out for our beliefs, and not second guess ourselves for doing so.  This is easier said than done. We want to be liked, but we have to accept that taking a position might upset someone and learn to be OK with this.

Can you imagine a group of men writing apology notes for talking too much?  On the contrary men tend to be competitive, feeling puffed-up when they talk at length, as if it enhances their status.

I’m not suggesting that we emulate this model, only that we learn to speak unapologetically, recognizing that we have something valuable to add to the discussion.  It’s acting on that little voice inside you that knows what you’re feeling is important to the discussion,  Too often women suppress this inner voice because they’re afraid someone will disagree or be upset with what they say.

A woman  breaking her habit of apologizing for speaking out

Tell yourself that your experience is valuable and worthy of being shared. When you do this, you’re speaking your truth. Not everyone will agree with you, but if you speak respectfully, you can hold your head high.  The more you risk speaking out when you fear disapproval, the easier it gets and the more you like the woman you are because you are being authentic to yourself.

Take inspiration from brave women, like Marione Ingram, the 87 year-old Holocaust survivor, who, at age 6, told her mother, after surviving the day-and-night bombing of Hamburg, she would make peace her life’s work.  She’s fulfilled this promise, penning two books advocating peace, while joining peace actions through the decades.

Marione Ingram at a recent demonstration in front of the White House calling for a ceasefire in Israel’s war on Gaza

Another woman who isn’t afraid to speak out for peace is Rashida Tlaib, the Michigan Congresswoman and Palestinian-American recently censored by Congress for advocating a ceasefire in the Israel-Gaza war.  Speaking before the House of Representatives Tlaib pleaded in a tear-chocked voice, “Palestinian people are not disposable.” After  being censored, Tlaib, responded, “I will not be silenced.”

Tlaib, speaking before the House of Representatives, urging a ceasefire, while holding a photo of her grandmother who lives in Palestine

Like Ingram and Tlaib, let’s embrace our inner woman warrior.  Let’s demonstrate for younger woman, the importance of not holding back and speaking up for human rights, world peace, a livable climate, or whatever passions drive us.  Let’s model compassionate voices in a world where hate speech often dominates.

When you speak from the heart, you can’t go wrong. Let’s build a world where women’s voices aren’t shut down.  Let’s embrace the immortal words of Helen Reddy, “I am woman.  Hear me roar.”