How Women Give Away Their Power

Women give away their power when they accommodate in a way that stifles their voices, where they don’t honor themselves, but silence themselves because they fear upsetting the other and putting the relationship in jeopardy.  It’s a hard pattern to break because, since the beginning of time, women have been conditioned to please others, to keep the peace.

Boomers grew up with the model of “Father Knows Best,” where the wife is subservient to her husband

Growing up I watched my mother stifle her voice when my father was unreasonably demanding. As a teenager I watched my friends give away their power to their boyfriends.  Later in life when we married, many of us, who were awakened during the Second Wave of Feminism, initiated divorces in an attempt to claim our power rather than consistently yield to our spouses.

What do I mean by power?

It’s not the male model of “power over” where one dominates the other, but it’s personal power, where we act in a way that preserves our personal integrity, or we work with others in a mutually empowering enterprise, like joining together to restore legal abortions.

Nina Simone used her personal power to perform songs protesting racism

Audre Lorde the noted feminist writer and poet, describes the enhanced sense of self that emerges when women conquer their fears of using their power.

When we begin to live from within outward, in touch with the power . . .  within ourselves and allowing that power to inform and illuminate our actions upon the world around us, then we begin to be responsible to ourselves in the deepest sense.

When we claim our power, we might be ridiculed, which can inhibit us from speaking up, but the more we claim our power, the easier it becomes.  The more we value ourselves, the more our self-love blossoms.

Another way to think about personal power is to follow the advice of the popular self-help writer and physician, Gabor Mate, who advocates acting with agency, or defending yourself, rather than silencing yourself.  Mate makes the connection between physical illnesses and a lack of agency, reporting that women who are people pleasers have a greater tendency to develop serious illnesses than women who assert themselves.

Women have to be vigilant to hold onto their power.

As an old feminist who considers herself self-aware, in a recent relationship I gave away my power.   I accommodated over and over, working overtime to please my partner, ignoring my internal signals that all wasn’t right.  I put my own needs aside rather than lose the relationship. When I finally recognized that I was giving away my power and sacrificing my core beliefs, I spoke up, which led to the relationship ending.  It was the right decision because I felt lighter, less stressed, and less frustrated.  I came home to myself.

It’s not just in love relationships that women give away their power.  We do it with friends, family members and on the job, when we become conflict adverse. I remember being depressed after spending time with a close friend, who became abusive, challenging my beliefs and mocking me for them.  When I finally worked up the courage to end the friendship, I felt renewed.

Tina Turner, after leaving an abusive marriage of 16 years, became a role model for women claiming their power.

Not all relationships have to end when we find our voices.  In the case of the friend I challenged, a few years later she got in touch with me and apologized.  The key to taking a stand is to be respectful and not sling verbal attacks.

Currently we’re living in an unprecedented period of mass upheaval and its accompanying stressors.  Many of us worry that the mounting global conflicts In Ukraine and the Far East could provoke a nuclear war.  Our summer of record heat and storms leaves many feeling helpless.  But if we sit back and don’t use our voices for peace and plans to save the planet, we are giving away our power to those in charge. We can’t do this alone. We need to build collective power where we work together for a better world and empower one another.

London elders protesting for policies to address climate change