Growth Through Vulnerability

Being vulnerable is generally defined as speaking and acting in a way that involves a risk where the outcome is unpredictable.  For this reason, many take pains to avoid being vulnerable rather than chance receiving disapproval and rejection. This limited perspective overlooks the enormous benefits of being vulnerable.

Abigail Thomas, the writer, found that her life became immeasurably fuller when she practiced being vulnerable: “The more vulnerable you allow yourself to be, the stronger you become.”  For Thomas, it took the form of writing about buried shame.  In writing she confessed to feeling shame for the new, meaningful life she created after her husband, following a serious accident, was confined to a nursing facility, forcing them to live apart.

Writer Abagail Thomas, who projects a strong woman, while privately admitting to lonely bouts

Audre Lorde, the great poet and writer,  describes finding a new strength when she stopped silencing her voice, becoming vulnerable:

“I have come to believe over and over again that what is most important to me must be spoken, made verbal and shared, even at the risk of having it bruised or misunderstood.”

Eleanor Roosevelt perceived personal growth as moving out of your comfort zone, and becoming vulnerable, offering the advice: “Do one thing every day that scares you.”

You may be asking, “How does putting myself on the line make me stronger?”  If you think back to a time when you acted boldly, perhaps uncharacteristically, because every fiber in your body pulled you in that direction, you were being vulnerable and you emerged stronger.

For inspiration in being vulnerable, look to brave women in history, like Suffragette Adela Pankhurst

I’m reminded of a young mother whose toddler son was injured in a bicycle accident. She was refused entry into the ER treatment facility because the attending doctor had “seen too many hysterical mothers.” This mother became vulnerable by taking a stand, insisting on entry to be with her son, and the doctor relented. She gained strength and became less intimidated of authority figures, boosting her self-confidence.

Brene Brown, the popular self-help writer, preaches that not until we allow ourselves to be vulnerable, can we live fully.  According to Brown, it entails “daring greatly,” or taking an emotional risk, which involves conquering shame and embarrassment.

Brene Brown delivering her TED talk on “The Power of Vulnerability,” 2010

Being vulnerable in close relationships with a friend, relative, or lover can involve speaking up when misunderstood or hurt. It might mean broaching a sensitive topic that is keeping the relationship from moving forward.

Being vulnerable with close acquaintances might involve sharing something that is eating away at you, like a medical condition or an action that you’re afraid to take.  When you risk sharing your innermost concerns with a trusted friend or loved one, that can be counted on for support, it can deepen the connection, enhancing closeness.  I’m reminded of the saying, “Openness leads to closeness.”

Bea and Randi, two old friends, both in their 90’s, who pride themselves on being open and vulnerable with one another

Being vulnerable doesn’t always prove rewarding. You run the risk of having the other dismiss you or insult you.  This can be a learning experience.  If you are chastised after speaking up on a delicate topic, ask yourself, “How could I have framed my words in a more sensitive matter?”  Vulnerable actions should be framed compassionately, whenever possible.

On a less serious note, I’m frequently amazed at the number of adults unwilling to be vulnerable to play, which can be a great stress reliever.  Laughter can be highly curative, as exemplified by the Dalai Lama, who is consistently photographed smiling and laughing,  in playful mode.  Dance in your living room, get silly with the grands, stream the Marx Brothers, play (innocent) practical jokes.

The Dali Lama in a playful mood, delivering a lecture with a tissue on his head

Practice being vulnerable but don’t take yourself too seriously.  Life is serious but it’s also full of wonder and delight.

Be a woman warrior who’s both fearless and fun-loving.