Pat Taub
What if the US had an official agency called “Learning to be Old”?
Here’s how I imagine it: older women and men are scheduled for aging interviews where their aging progress is assessed followed by recommendations for a meaningful old age.
When I show up for my interview I’m escorted to the women’s section and led to a cheerful office. Inside posters of notable older woman line the walls. I smile in recognition at the images of Margaret Mead, Audre Lorde, the Suffragettes and others. My interviewer, introduces herself as Grace; she has the commanding, warm presence of Maya Angelo and looks like a goddess.
Maya Angelo in goddess attire as I imagine her conducting my “How to be Old” interview
Grace: (Leafing through my folder) I see that you experience anxiety over facing the future. What in particular are you afraid of?
Confronting my fears around aging
Pat: I dread the prospect of being dependent on others when my body fails me.
Grace: You need to adjust your thinking. The world sees your physical self first but it’s not the essence of you. We call this “age shaming.” Needing help is not the same as incompetence. A frail body can co-exist with a good mind and a kind heart.
Grace: Other fears?
Pat: I will remain alone without a partner. I’m mostly OK with this, but I don’t like the thought of being old and sick and not having anyone to bring me chicken soup.
Fears of being alone and without support when ill haunts many older women
Grace: The US is dreadful when it comes to support services for the old so you’ll have to round up a group of family and friends who agree to lend a hand when you need help.
Why not start a hotline for older women in your community that offers a directory of services for older women? Or initiate conversation groups for older women to share their fears and pool their resources? To paraphrase Anne Lamott: Seek out friends that are gentle, loyal, and hilarious.
Pat: Here’s another fear: When I imagine my ‘80’s and ‘90’s I get depressed.
Grace: That’s natural given that our culture refuses to see old age as a time of growth and meaning. You must always have a purpose. It will narrow as you become less active, but meaning doesn’t have to disappear in old age. Read up on outrageous older women like Diana Athill who still writes at 99!
Diana Athill still writing at 99!
Grace: What do you need to let go of to be more peaceful?
Pat: Yikes! Do you have all day? I tend to be hard on myself, ruminating over my past failures.
Grace: You need a strategy for when you’re berating yourself.
Self-doubt delights in invading older women’s lives. While self-doubt won’t disappear completely, it can be minimized. It can be stopped in its tracks by a simple reminder of your positive qualities, remembering what you’ve achieved over the years. Make a list of those things you’ve done that make you proud. Tack it on your bulletin board for easy reference.
Make a list of one’s strengths and accomplishments to refer to when plagued with self-doubts
Grace: How are you responding to ageism and sexism when you experience it?
Pat: I blog about older women. I’m learning to stand up for myself, especially when I’m made to feel invisible. I try to take on rude young people who make fun of my opinions or who ignore me as salesclerks and restaurant wait staff.
Grace: When you lose courage, let me emphasize that you’re among the vanguard of older women taking on ageism and sexism in a society where aging is often the ultimate challenge in a woman’s life. As an older feminist you carry a responsibility for the future generation of older women. You are here to model aging in a way that validates the wisdom years and refuses to see aging as a deficit.
Aging is no less a time of awakening than in your younger years. In fact it may be the greatest awakening of all life’s stages.
The Radical Age Movement takes on ageism and sexism, representing the “new older woman and man.”
